Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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