I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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