I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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