I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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