I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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