i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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