I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just saw a hot homeless man
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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