i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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