Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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