If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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