I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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