i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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