Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
