i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
