Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
