Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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