i already hear my dad disowning me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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