Michael Bay diarrhea
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
