she woke up with a sticky ear
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
