We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
