I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
