omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
