omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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