So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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