I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
