You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
