the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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