so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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