Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
