My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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