what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
