and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
