she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
