He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize