Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
