her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
