the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize