Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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