Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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