we made out on top of his cat.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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