Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
