Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
