I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
