that's an acceptable place to lick
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
