I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
