living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
