I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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