Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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