I got chris browned last night
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
