Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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