Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have fence marks all over my body
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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