my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
