so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just gift wrapped bread.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Can I color on your dick again?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize