maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
