Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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