chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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