dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
