get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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