Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
